we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
