Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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