dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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