Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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