A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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