Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
