Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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