Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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