We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
