i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize