party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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