i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pants are for mortals
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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