Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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