just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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