I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
