i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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