You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I still have a little drunk in my system
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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