i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
