Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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