I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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