I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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