It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
