I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i barfeds in our rink
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
