things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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