I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
