Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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