A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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