I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
