but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
