Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
