Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We're too hungover to prance.
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