Sacagawea was the original milf.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
