Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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