i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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