He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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