We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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