I wish I could teleport
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
