walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
