Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
