Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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