Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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