playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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