Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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