After last night, I could never be a politician.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
