I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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