this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
