sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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