The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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