Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
