so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have so many feelings about this burrito
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
