You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
