I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
