can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
