Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
