I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
