How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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